Dear Shepard
by Subject 0
Summary: After the "little incident" on Horizon, Kaidan has some trouble putting his feelings for Shepard into a letter. One-shot.


For the sake of reading purposes, all the lines that are underlined are part of the final draft. Just realized how annoying it was to have to go back and see which line was saved, erased, or edited.

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><p><strong>Dear Shepard<strong>

10:41 EST: Dear Shepard,

**[Partial Line Erase]**

10:42 EST: Shepard,

**[Saved]**

10:43 EST: I'm sorry.

**[Line Erase]**

10:48 EST: I shouldn't have spoken to you that way on Horizon.

**[Partial Line Erase]**

10:49 EST: I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon.

**[Line Erase]**

I'm writing this letter with so many emotions just

**[Line Erase]**

10:52 EST: I can't say sorry enough to let you know how I feel about how I treated you on Horizon. It was wrong, and I was wrong. You have every right to be angry at me. I was stupid, and afraid, and I was letting my emotions get the better of me. I never should have said those things to you.

**[New Paragraph]**

10:53 EST: I spent two years pulling my life back together after you went down with the Normandy.

10:54 EST: I missed you, Shepard. I missed you so much.

**[Line Erase]**

10:54 EST: I never thought I'd see you again. I kept blaming myself for what happened to you, for not being able to save you.

10:55 EST: There were so many sleepless nights, so many times I cried to myself.

**[Partial Line Erase]**

10:57 EST: There were so many sleepless nights. I felt like a broken man.

**[Partial Erase]**

10:58 EST: It was Hell when you were gone. And not just for me either.

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11:09 When you died, everything fell apart. Everyone went their different ways. It only made things harder. There wasn't anyone I could talk to about you. There were so many sleepless nights, so many times I cried to myself because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I felt like a broken man.

**[Line Erase]**

11:26 EST: I'd close my eyes to go to bed and the first thing I would see was your face. I would remember everything. All the time we spent together, all the memories we shared, all the things we said. I remembered your bright smile, your beautiful blue eyes, the way your bottom right eyelid lifts just a little more than your left when you laugh. 

11:28 EST: I remembered the way your hair smelled, the feel of your body against mine, the warmth of your breath. I couldn't sleep. It tore me apart to know that I was here and you weren't. It tore me apart to remember that I wasn't with you.

**[New Paragraph]**

11:32 EST: Do you remember when you chose me over Ash on Virmire?

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11:35 EST: Do you remember the choice you made on Virmire?

**[Line Erase]**

11:36 EST: I still think about Virmire. I keep telling myself that should have been Ash instead of me, that she should have lived and I should have died. I believed that you made the decision for the mission's sake, not

**[Line Erase]**

11:37 EST: But things change after two years. People change. I've changed.

11:37 EST: It took me a long time, but eventually I'd gotten over your death enough to look at pictures of us without tearing up.

11:38 EST: I thought I had put it all behind me, that I'd laid all the skeletons in my closet to rest. I thought I had closure. But I guess I was wrong. When I saw you on Horizon I

**[Line Erase]**

11:39 EST: But then, after two years, I suddenly see you on Horizon. I couldn't believe you were alive. I kept telling myself it was a figment of my imagination, that you couldn't be there in front of me, that you died on the Normandy. That out of all the places in the galaxy, you couldn't be here, just five feet away from me. I panicked.

11:41 EST: I wanted to tell you everything, I wanted to tell you how I felt.

**[Partial Line Erase]**

11:41 EST: A part of me wanted to just run up to you and kiss you, hold you in my arms, tell you how much I missed you.

11:43 EST: But I was afraid. I kept asking myself, was this really you? Was I just seeing things? And even if it was you, what if were you different from before? What if

**[Line Erase]**

11:45 EST: But I was afraid that you'd changed. I was afraid that I wasn't in your life anymore, that you'd gotten over me like I was some sort of fling.

**[Partial Line Erase]**

11:47 EST: But I was afraid that you'd changed. I was afraid that I wasn't important to you anymore. I made myself believe that for some reason or another, you didn't want to keep communications with me, like you were trying to avoid me. Like you didn't care about me. Like you didn't want me in your life anymore.

11:50 EST: People change over time, and I thought that maybe

**[Line Erase]**

11:52 EST: That's why I asked you why you didn't call. I was paranoid. I was afraid that I'd lost you again.

**[SAVED]**

11:54 EST: But then I saw that you were with Cerberus. I felt betrayed.

**[Partial Line Erase]**

11:55 EST: And then I saw you with Cerberus. For a moment, I felt betrayed. I felt like you'd stabbed me in the back, that you turned your back on everything we once stood for. I was just being stupid. I know you wouldn't join Cerberus without a good reason, but I was too angry to see it.

**[Partial Line Erase]**

12:01 EST: And then I saw you with Cerberus. For that moment, I thought that you'd turned your back on me and on everything we once stood for. I thought you were allying yourself with terrorists. I was just being stupid. I know you wouldn't join Cerberus without a good reason. I was just too damn blind to accept that. I was shocked, overjoyed, angry, scared. There were too many emotions going through my mind to think straight.

12:02 EST: You know how bad I am with emotions.

**[Partial Line Erase]**

12:04 EST: You know how bad I am with emotions. What came out of my mouth was just a garble of emotions that I couldn't control.

**[Line Erase]**

12:05 EST: It was my fault that I snapped, not yours. I don't mean what I said back on Horizon. I was just so overwhelmed by the response you gave me. It was so nonchalant like... like you didn't even care. I felt like you were so cold. And it hurt me too, to learn about you being alive from rumors. I know you were busy with the colonies, and you'd just come back from the dead after two years, I just - I just couldn't rationalize it at the time. I know you're still fighting for a good cause. I know you're still you, Shepard. You're still the woman I love.

**[New Paragraph]**

12:11 EST: I don't know what Cerberus wants, but I don't think they're trustworthy. You need to watch your back around them.

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12:18 EST: Shepard, please, watch your back.

**[Line Erase]**

12:20 EST: I know you can take care of yourself just fine, but please, be careful. For me. I couldn't bear to lose you again. It's too hard for me to even think about.

**[New Paragraph]**

12:22 EST: I don't know what terms we're on now.

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12:23 EST: I don't know whether or not we're still on good terms but

**[Line Erase]**

12:55 EST: I still love you, Shepard. I know I said some awful things on Horizon, and no amount of apologizing will take that back. Right now I wouldn't mind if you thought I was the biggest asshole on this side of the Terminus. I said what I said on Horizon because I was afraid that I was going to lose you, but right now, I feel like I've already lost you. I don't know if you still feel the same way about me as you did two years ago, but please… Take care.

**[New Paragraph]**

12:56 EST: - Kaidan

**[Line Erase]**

12:57 EST: - From a friend, Kaidan

**[Line Erase]**

15:01 EST: - Love, Kaidan

**[SAVED]**


End file.
